Rob Paravonian's "Life as a Comic"

Episode 10: Party Boat!

"Dave Parker Was a Pirate" lyrics

If you missed this phenomenal shanty by John Foti and Nils d'Aulaire, you missed what was certainly one of the highlights of the show. But now! for your viewing pleasure, and for that of your deaf friends, the lyrics of "Dave Parker Was a Pirate"...

"Dave Parker Was a Pirate"
lyrics by John Foti
music by John Foti and Nils d'Alaire

Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
6 foot 5, a helluva guy from Calhoun, Mississippi

Twas a magic year in '79 when he hit .310 and homered all the time
he won the world series, he got a gold glove
but that's not all he grabbed....

He took it to the Indians, he took it to the Cubs
the Tigers and the Braves, and a bunch of other clubs
but he didn't stop there, no he had another flair
for a girl with a twirl and some ham in her hair !

OH! Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh

Annoucer Voice:
Nicknamed "The Cobra," Dave Parker made his major league debut exactly 3 years ago tomorrow, July 12th!!! And he suuuure did get around...

He played for the Reds and he played for the A's
He sucked on the Brewers and he blew on the Jays
He was an Angel, be he wasn't no saint
in the clubhouse, in the clubhouse before games...OH!

Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh

What do ya do with a torn hamstring?
Take a lotta pills and get yer wife to swing
Drink a lotta beer and wear bad clothes
Boos from the fans and booze at the pub
boobs on his chest and boobs at the club
So if you wanna make it big, if you wanna be tough
Just blow out your knee and sniff a lotta snuff

OH! Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh
OH! Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh

Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
Now he walks around and pouts cause he's gotta bad, bad case of the gout...
in his trailer down in South Jersey.

Video of Tough Love at Hamstravaganza!

Thanks to broccolinbeef for posting these clips of Tough Love (Nils d'Aulaire and John Foti) on YouTube.com.

1. hamstravaganza rap

2. hamstravaganza

Worst Sea-Men Jokes Revealed!

For anyone who missed this part of HAM-stravaganza, or for those who did witness it and would like to once again revel in its sordid glory, we present to you the jokes that YOU, the attendees of HAM-stravaganza, submitted to the "Worst Sea-Men Jokes" inbox (which I guess makes this the outbox...).

In no particular order...

Q: What did the pirate say to the guy who closed his hand in the freezer?
A: Arrrrgh... shiver me finger!

Q: Did you see that movie about the Pirates?
A: It was rated Arrrgh!

Your mother is so ugly that when the pirates came to rape and pillage her village that had to use two eye patches.

Q: How is a pirate ship like Paris Hilton?
A: Both are full of "seamen."

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish-American princess and the Bermuda Triangle?
A: The Bermuda Triangle swallows sea-men!

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate and a pedophile?
A: Arrrgh Kelly

Q: Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
A: He was looking for a tight seal. Arrgh.

187 seamen walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The seamen say, "Why not?" The bartender says, "Our beer already has enough head." Arrrgh.

Q: Why did the pirate buy so much corn?
A: It was a buck-an-ear.

YER MOM!! xoxo The Scurvy Pirates [drawn figures of human anatomy]

Q: What is a pirate's favorite pattern?
A: Arrrrrgyle!!!!

Scot DiPerna is a bigtime prick!

Q: What subway did we take here?
A: The oooneee.

Yes, it's really more of a poopbox than an outbox, but we did ask you for your worst. Though judging by the crowd, I doubt "the best" would have been much better.

Anyway, if you didn't get to submit your pirate jokes, didn't attend, or just plum forgot 'em, here's your chance to add to the shitpile! Post your jokes into that graveyard of bad ideas known as the "comments section." We'll be sure to ignore them like everyone else as they languish away in obscurity.

Have a blast!

Hamstravaganza on RocketBoom.com

Hamstravaganza and The Pirates! were featured in Joanne Colan's first RocketBoom webcast. She should have stuck with the book!

Also, a very nice review of Hamstravaganza -- thanks to Sean Conrad, a devoted Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

The Great Ham Controversy Continues

The Great Ham Controversy, believed to have originated in 1720 among the pirates of Black Bart's crew, was to be resolved last night at Hamstravaganza, however the controversy continues...

HAM-stravaganza Photos!

The Frying Pan, location of Hamstravaganza

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Jon "Pig Boy" Bulette, host of Hamstravaganza

The crowd at Hamstravaganza

Tough Love, featuring Nils d'Aulaire and John Foti

Nils d'Aulaire and Jay Klaitz perform a pirate rap song

The Hazzards

The Scurvy Pirates

One Scurvy Pirate and "Pig Boy"

Former Pyrate Molly Crabapple

"Pig Boy" after a hot sweaty night's work

Hamstravaganza organizers, Lisa Weinert & Scott DiPerna

Hamstravaganza Original Pirate Shanties!

Thanks to the amazing Nils d'Aulaire, we are able to give you a sneak preview of two of the songs you will hear at HAM-stravaganza tomorrow night. Prepare yourself, these songs will change your life:

1. Pirates! What?

2. Moby Butt

Gideon Defoe on NPR

Excerpt from The Pirates! and the audio of an NPR interview with Gideon Defoe.

HAM-stravaganza FAQs

Is HAM-Stravaganza a pirate party held on a boat?

YES.

Is the boat called "The Frying Pan" at NYC's Chelsea Pier?

YES.

Will there be real pirates at the party?

GOD, WE HOPE SO....

Should I fear for my life and well-being?

BECAUSE OF THE PIRATES OR THE BOAT? YES.

Can I expect entertainments of the musical and comedic variety, such as THE HAZZARDS, Rob Paravonian, Future Folk, John Foti, The Scurvy Pirates, Jon Bulette, and Jon Friedman?

YES.

Will there be a pig dressed as a pirate? Or a man dressed as a pig dressed as a pirate, if you can't by your best efforts find an agreeable pig who will work within your budget?

YES.

Will I be able to eat ham products, drink alcoholic beverages, dress up as pirate, participate in a fashion show, submit my raunchy seamen jokes in a bad-pirate-joke-competition, and join in other pirate and ham-related games and prizes, while becoming precariously intoxicated and/or sea-sick before vomiting on my date?

GOD, WE HOPE SO....

Will I then be able to submit pictures of myself and my friends embarking on said activities to this site so they can be broadcast across the internet to our mutual shame and embarrassment?

ABSOLUTELY.

Will I get a free copy of The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists & In an Adventure with Ahab by Gideon Defoe as a partying gift, but more so as a shameless marketing ploy devised by his evil corporate publisher?

NO! (okay, YES)

What will a night of such wonder and amazement cost me?

NOTHING! IT'S FREE!!!!

When should I arrive?

7 PM.

Is it actually very easy to get to The Frying Pan by taking West 23rd Street across the West Side Highway to the end of Chelsea Piers sports facility?

YES.

Will the "HAM-OFF" be the most devastatingly mind-blowing spectacle I have ever seen?

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT...

HAM-stravaganza!

FINISH THE PIRATE CAPTAIN'S STORY CONTEST

Dear Friends,

Writing books is an effort I can do without, so like any sensible author I rely on finding stories stuffed inside bottles that have washed up on the nearest beach. But! Disaster! One of the bottles wasn't done up properly, and so the latest pirate story has a big hole in the middle, probably from where a crab crawled in and ate the parchment. Crabs are annoying like that, they'll eat anything. Obviously I'm much too lazy to fill in the blank myself, so instead Random House are offering YOU the chance to have a go. The best adventure will be published in the back of the fourth pirate book, which might be called The Pirates! In An Adventure With Napoleon, and might not, depending on what turns up on the beach. A lot of famous writers, such as Martin Amis, Salman Rushdie and even Vladimir Nabokov began their literary careers by getting a short story published in the back of a pirate book, so this could well do the same for you. Or maybe you're at work reading the internet instead of doing anything more constructive and just fancy a way of killing a couple of hours until you can go home. Either way, it's a fantastic opportunity to type some stuff. Printed below is the story as it stands. All you need to do is send your entry to hamstravaganza@yahoo.com.

Probably best to use email rather than a bottle.

Cheers,
Gideon Defoe

*****

The Pirates! In An Adventure With...

[the crab has eaten the end of the title, you'll have to fill this in too]

It was a cold out, so the pirates were sat in the pirate boat's kitchen discussing their previous adventures. The pirates enjoyed talking about their previous adventures even more than they enjoyed having them in the first place, because it was a lot less exhausting and they could eat pancakes at the same time. They could eat pancakes during an actual adventure of course, but if the adventure involved swordfights or disguises or breaking codes then the pancakes would tend to get in the way. Also, when they were just discussing adventures rather than doing them, they could gloss over the boring bits and exaggerate the exciting bits. And if when recounting an adventure the pirates found themselves stuck trying to describe a particularly visual scene, it was always possible to draw explanatory pictures on the pancakes in chocolate syrup.

"Our best adventure was the time we ran that hotel in Torquay," said the pirate with gout.

"Rubbish," said the albino pirate. "Our best adventure was the adventure with all those lady models."

"No it wasn't!" said the pirate in green. "It was the one with the Giant Spiders!"

Before the pirates could start fighting over this the door to the kitchen crashed open and in walked the Pirate Captain. Even wearing his 'Have You Hugged The Chef?' apron and carrying a plate of pancakes, the Pirate Captain cut an impressive figure. He was all teeth and curls, but with a pleasant open face, and he had a great big luxuriant beard that looked like...

[another unreadable bit here, because it's covered in crab lick.]

"Hello Pirate Captain!" said the pirate with a scarf. "We were just discussing what our best adventure was. What would you say our best adventure was? In -- ooh -- about five hundred words or less?"

The Pirate Captain scratched his hairy cheek. "Our best adventure," he said, after a thoughtful pause, "was that time..."

[big chunk missing here. little crab toothmarks everywhere.]

"...and not only that, but it taught us all an important lesson about friendship," said the Pirate Captain. "So that's why it was our best adventure, possibly involving a creature, in five hundred words or less."

THE END

*****

CONTEST GUIDELINES: All entries must be sent to hamstravaganza@yahoo.com by August 31, 2006. Anything received on or after September 1, 2006 will be fed to the crabs. Please limit submissions to 500 words or less. All entries will be placed in bottles and thrown out to sea. Whichever one Gideon finds first on the beach will be the winner. Or he'll just pick one. The winner will be announced when book number four in The Pirates! series (presumably called The Pirates! In An Adventure With Napoleon, but maybe not) is published. Yes, we're going to torture you by making you wait. We are pirates after all. We like to torture people. But in a friendly way. Enjoy some ham in meantime.