Thursday, July 13, 2006

"Dave Parker Was a Pirate" lyrics

If you missed this phenomenal shanty by John Foti and Nils d'Aulaire, you missed what was certainly one of the highlights of the show. But now! for your viewing pleasure, and for that of your deaf friends, the lyrics of "Dave Parker Was a Pirate"...

"Dave Parker Was a Pirate"
lyrics by John Foti
music by John Foti and Nils d'Alaire

Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
6 foot 5, a helluva guy from Calhoun, Mississippi

Twas a magic year in '79 when he hit .310 and homered all the time
he won the world series, he got a gold glove
but that's not all he grabbed....

He took it to the Indians, he took it to the Cubs
the Tigers and the Braves, and a bunch of other clubs
but he didn't stop there, no he had another flair
for a girl with a twirl and some ham in her hair !

OH! Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh

Annoucer Voice:
Nicknamed "The Cobra," Dave Parker made his major league debut exactly 3 years ago tomorrow, July 12th!!! And he suuuure did get around...

He played for the Reds and he played for the A's
He sucked on the Brewers and he blew on the Jays
He was an Angel, be he wasn't no saint
in the clubhouse, in the clubhouse before games...OH!

Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh

What do ya do with a torn hamstring?
Take a lotta pills and get yer wife to swing
Drink a lotta beer and wear bad clothes
Boos from the fans and booze at the pub
boobs on his chest and boobs at the club
So if you wanna make it big, if you wanna be tough
Just blow out your knee and sniff a lotta snuff

OH! Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh
OH! Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
"pork a lotta hoes and snort a lotta blow" was his motto and his dream...oh

Dave Parker was a pirate, a Pittsburgh Pirate, and a pirate he still be
Now he walks around and pouts cause he's gotta bad, bad case of the gout...
in his trailer down in South Jersey.

Video of Tough Love at Hamstravaganza!

Thanks to broccolinbeef for posting these clips of Tough Love (Nils d'Aulaire and John Foti) on YouTube.com.

1. hamstravaganza rap

2. hamstravaganza

Worst Sea-Men Jokes Revealed!

For anyone who missed this part of HAM-stravaganza, or for those who did witness it and would like to once again revel in its sordid glory, we present to you the jokes that YOU, the attendees of HAM-stravaganza, submitted to the "Worst Sea-Men Jokes" inbox (which I guess makes this the outbox...).

In no particular order...


Q: What did the pirate say to the guy who closed his hand in the freezer?
A: Arrrrgh... shiver me finger!

Q: Did you see that movie about the Pirates?
A: It was rated Arrrgh!

Your mother is so ugly that when the pirates came to rape and pillage her village that had to use two eye patches.

Q: How is a pirate ship like Paris Hilton?
A: Both are full of "seamen."

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish-American princess and the Bermuda Triangle?
A: The Bermuda Triangle swallows sea-men!

Q: What do you get when you cross a pirate and a pedophile?
A: Arrrgh Kelly

Q: Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?
A: He was looking for a tight seal. Arrgh.

187 seamen walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The seamen say, "Why not?" The bartender says, "Our beer already has enough head." Arrrgh.

Q: Why did the pirate buy so much corn?
A: It was a buck-an-ear.

YER MOM!! xoxo The Scurvy Pirates [drawn figures of human anatomy]

Q: What is a pirate's favorite pattern?
A: Arrrrrgyle!!!!

Scot DiPerna is a bigtime prick!

Q: What subway did we take here?
A: The oooneee.

Yes, it's really more of a poopbox than an outbox, but we did ask you for your worst. Though judging by the crowd, I doubt "the best" would have been much better.

Anyway, if you didn't get to submit your pirate jokes, didn't attend, or just plum forgot 'em, here's your chance to add to the shitpile! Post your jokes into that graveyard of bad ideas known as the "comments section." We'll be sure to ignore them like everyone else as they languish away in obscurity.

Have a blast!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Hamstravaganza on RocketBoom.com

Hamstravaganza and The Pirates! were featured in Joanne Colan's first RocketBoom webcast. She should have stuck with the book!

Also, a very nice review of Hamstravaganza -- thanks to Sean Conrad, a devoted Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

The Great Ham Controversy Continues

The Great Ham Controversy, believed to have originated in 1720 among the pirates of Black Bart's crew, was to be resolved last night at Hamstravaganza, however the controversy continues...

HAM-stravaganza Photos!

The Frying Pan, location of Hamstravaganza


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Jon "Pig Boy" Bulette, host of Hamstravaganza

The crowd at Hamstravaganza


Tough Love, featuring Nils d'Aulaire and John Foti


Nils d'Aulaire and Jay Klaitz perform a pirate rap song






One Scurvy Pirate and "Pig Boy"


Former Pyrate Molly Crabapple


"Pig Boy" after a hot sweaty night's work


Hamstravaganza organizers, Lisa Weinert & Scott DiPerna

Monday, July 10, 2006

Hamstravaganza Original Pirate Shanties!

Thanks to the amazing Nils d'Aulaire, we are able to give you a sneak preview of two of the songs you will hear at HAM-stravaganza tomorrow night. Prepare yourself, these songs will change your life:

1. Pirates! What?

2. Moby Butt

Gideon Defoe on NPR